the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
