just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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