sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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