I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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