hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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