The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
