Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
