The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Someone came in the potted fern
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
