a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
