There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize