i barfeds in our rink
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
