WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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