I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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