I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
farters have to be the big spoon...
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
