I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
