The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
