If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
