NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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