i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dick very happy bro
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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