Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Bring me that man meat
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
