I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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