well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize