Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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