Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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