I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
