Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
