they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
