I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
