Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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