I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
