I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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