The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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