if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
