I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
ok first of all what the fuck
Never underestimate the power of titties
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
