worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
