My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
