i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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