STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
