I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
