Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
