Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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