We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
