Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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