So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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