Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
