Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
zippers are such a cool invention
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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