Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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