dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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