She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
