drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
