Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
