Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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