Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
why does every cop we meet know your name?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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