I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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